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This Is Khaos

Well well, what a year 2020 has been.
When people say , "Life's a roller coaster" and it's this apparent. You have to sit back and look at things differently. Many of us have lost battles, while other have won some. Nonetheless, each of us has fought. 
Curve balls are being thrown at us like we are targets. And with that i wish you all good luck.

This may or may not be words of encouragement. But that is up to how you wish to receive it.
This is what I've been doing for the last two months. 
Nantucket is a place where different types of people come to for work and experience. Mainly money, if I'm honest with you. It's a very busy, rich, and not to mention, very entitled place. It's hit or miss when meeting good people. Out here the good people are of the same feather. This one time i saw some young teenagers in need of help with a blown tire. This was outside of the restaurant I work in. I knew I could fix it fast and so I did. Fifteen minutes later I'm waving them off. 
A week later, their mother returns with a heaping $240 for me. I was just gonna tell 'em to pay it forward. But its awesome that more came of this. They learned a life skill that day, and more hope was put out in this world. Hope that good people still exist. 
Here on this wild island of Nantucket I'm working on my career as a young chef. Learning new things every day. Music though, is my first love. One day, while shopping at a local dispensary. I came across a seasoned music technician for a venue up here. After shooting the shit for a moment, I was presented with an offer to hold onto a GNL guitar for the remainder of the season! A total suprise to me! Things like this show me, time after time, that there are things to be grateful for. For these kind people, I very much am.
Luckily, dealing with myself through all this has been manageable. There is a beautiful soul waiting for me back home. Its hard to be separate from the one that holds you together. My auto pilot in the department is the real MVP. Leaving for money to help support us in our journey is the motive. A sacrifice I would make over and over again, for this kind fiancé of mine. Knowing I'll return shortly for my love and my kitty is what drives me to remain, regardless of circumstance. 
Mental health is suffering a bit, as it's placed on a back burner. Therapy was canceled, since I moved up here for the season. Started it just a month before I had left. Not many people out here who can carry on a serious conversation. Much less, one that can relate. I'm not sure what it is. Am I too sad for their realities? Maybe my depression has just gotten to the point that it's obvious that help is the only way. Pills don't numb enough. Drink doesn't blur enough. The smoke eventually clears. All I'm left with is choices
After so many different approaches, sometimes I think to myself, "wow. I'm just gonna have to out live my depression." Sad that this has become my outlook. But I finally have come to a point where I wanna at least try to live and be alive. Usually when the void calls. I listen. And even if I wanna answer I don't. I've almost died in the water out here. From substance abuse. From a broken heart/soul. From personal attempts.
It's crazy that I'm still alive.
I'm beginning to see what its like to want to live. To take chances. To help others. To help myself. I'm reading more. Learning new things. Going places. Meeting people. Digging myself out of this hole i was placed in by fate has been difficult. It's been with one spoonful a day, it seems. But think about how that adds up when you do it every day. I'm not totally convinced of a good positive mindset, because I doubt a lot and am angry all the time.
But that's me, baby.🤘 
Just doin' it up how I can, every day. 
I cant wait to hit the stage and play with my bandmates. To cook with my fiancé. To cuddle my chubby cat. To finally have a good conversation with my good friends. And to come back and see new faces at a show, or by chance.
I'm not sure how to close this out so, I'm not gunna.
Sincerely
    Khaos